Life through the eyes of someone with BPD
(Borderline Personality Disorder)
You are looking at a candle.
But I am looking at a burning house.
The desperation is so intense. Glasses are breaking, there is no one around me to ask for help. It is nighttime and I do not have a phone to call someone. I try to calm down and take deep breaths, but I can actually feel myself suffocating.
I am suffocating because suddenly I’m inside the house. I cannot cry. I need to survive.
Or if I let myself surrender and burn inside those walls? But wait. I have a pet. I still need to do that trip. But won’t my pet be better off without me? No. No one will ever love her like I do. Because my love is so intense that it hurts sometimes. When I think about the day she will pass, I imagine myself dying as well. Because how could I ever handle this anguish?
It is just a candle for you. But for me soon enough the fire will pass to the next house.
Your friend was busy, and you know she is living her life. She did not reply to you in the same day because she was working. Maybe it is her day off or she is on a phone break for her own mental health.
For me, she does not like me as she once did. She forgot about our days, she does not want to answer me because she does not care. So, I deleted the photos because I do not care either, not anymore. Not like I did yesterday.
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The life of a borderline is not easy. I bet you would not survive a day in the asylum where they were raised. Most of the people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) experienced trauma in their childhood or traumatic events during their life.
According to BMC Psychiatry (a journal published by BioMed Central):
‘’ Trauma genic events that have been prospectively associated with BPD mainly consist of childhood abuse, including emotional, physical, and sexual trauma [6], the same association being shown for childhood maltreatment as a whole [9, 10]. These findings highlight the developmental aspects of BPD, which show emotional and behavioral precursors in childhood [11, 12] and typically manifest during adolescence [1, 3]. Adolescence is indeed a critical period for the development and stabilization of emotional regulation [13], identity [14], and social cognitive functioning [15]. These developmental processes may be linked to the progressive maturation of the prefrontal cortex during puberty and its interaction with limbic structures [16].’’
You can find the full study here: Protocol for a comparative study of borderline personality disorder with and without comorbid post-traumatic stress disorder
Now that we spoke about the symptoms, let’s break into parts what we can do to manage it.
Yes, everything in this life has a solution or at least you can suffer a bit less if you just try it.
Not try for a day or a week but keep finding ways and working on your mental health every single day. I am not saying that you will magically be ‘’fixed’’. Some days are unbearable.
But why does every single day need to be like a roller coaster? We’re all going to die eventually. So why not just enjoy this life and let the haters see you having that piña colada by the beach?
Sorry, lost a bit of focus thinking about my enemies.
Here we go with ways to manage the symptoms:
- Therapy. Do not even tell me that this does not work because I tried four different people to find the right therapist to talk about my own issues. It does work. Maybe you will not feel confident talking to the first person you meet. We do not even trust anyone. So, take your time and do not give up until you find someone you feel safe to talk about it.
- Remember what used to make you happy. Or try new hobbies that you never tried before. Paint, dance, pet a stray animal in the street and take him or her to your home. I am not joking. The love of an animal heals any soul.
- Practice health habits: Get some sun, get a good night sleep, walk barefoot, drink water, stop smoking and start to run, put a song you really like and dance on your own.
- Journal: This works so well. Sometimes I did not have my diary with me, and I had to record voice memos. It is amazing when you go back in that audio or that page and see that you made it through that day. We always hope that one day; we will make it through the whole process
Remember that you are not a mess. You are very resilient, and you live in a world that not everybody will understand you. And that is ok. Everything is ok. Sometimes not even your friends will get you, sometimes they will. You are the only person responsible for making it better and not blaming the past, but learning to evolve.
It is just a candle.
It is just a candle.
